


The Most Eligible Bachelor In Alethkar

by NothingRiddikulus



Category: Cosmere - Brandon Sanderson, Stormlight Archive - Brandon Sanderson
Genre: Angst, Gen, Words of Radiance spoilers, aromantic Adolin, implied aromantic Jasnah, internalised arophobia, this isn't a happy fic i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 11:15:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10763136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NothingRiddikulus/pseuds/NothingRiddikulus
Summary: What Adolin really wanted to know, more than anything, was why the Almighty had cursed him with a cold heart.One day, Adolin will come to terms with his lack of interest in romance. For now he's scared and confused.





	The Most Eligible Bachelor In Alethkar

It was late evening, and Shallan and Adolin were returning home after having dinner together. They sat close next to each other in their carriage, and Shallan’s face was a picture of bliss. Her hand was in his. When they reached the Kholin warcamp, Adolin kissed Shallan’s hand, stepped out, and promised to talk to her the next day.

Shallan said her goodbyes. Adolin smiled as he watched her carriage leave, straightening his coat and running his fingers through his hair. Internally he counted down the seconds until she was out of his line of sight. He walked back home with a tune on his lips and a spring in his step. When Shallan was gone, it was as if he was not courting her, and would never have to be married. With her gone, he could be himself. Everything was perfect.

Immediately he felt guilty. Shallan was the perfect lover; supportive, flirtatious and funny. And he repaid her how, by resenting their relationship? He couldn’t let himself go down this route again. It seemed every time he found a girl he thought he’d be happy with, things went sour. She’d be perfect, and Adolin would not. Adolin would make mistakes. Adolin would misunderstand her implications and miss her hints that she wanted to be kissed. Or he _would_ kiss her, and he’d hate it. Eventually, even if he managed to do nothing wrong, he’d begin to feel trapped. And so he’d sabotage himself, _make_ her hate him. She’d end the relationship, Renarin would tease him about his mistakes, for a day or so maybe he’d feel free, and then he’d remember again that feeling the way he did about courtship was not normal. He’d seek out another girl to court, and the cycle would begin again.

Storms, he was such a joke… the most eligible bachelor in Alethkar, and he was repulsed by romance.

Adolin ran upstairs to his chambers, closed the door, and tried to breathe steadily. How could he be so hateful as to see Shallan as the source of his discomfort? He was the one that was abnormal. How dare he put any of the blame on her when it was no-one’s fault but his own he felt this way? He was a disgusting, horrible person for having those thoughts, for feeling relieved when their time together was over. Adolin fought back tears, clenched a fist and punched the wall. For a few moments he stood in the corner of the room, taking deep breaths to calm himself, and then he threw himself onto his bed and sobbed. 

What in the halls was wrong with him? Most men longed for relationships with their female friends, and yet he spent his relationships yearning for friendship. He longed for a simpler form of love, for the feeling of growing close to someone with no expectations of marriage. He wanted more than anything to hold Shallan close in his arms and have them love each other, but to never kiss, never live together, never have children. He wanted the closeness of a relationship with her, but apparently, he couldn’t commit. Why did he have to court a girl to have the intimacy he craved with her? And why did he want the things he wanted?

No, that wasn’t the real question. The real question was why he was incapable of love. Why he had to nod and smile when other talked of the joys of romance, never having anything to add himself. Why he had never felt a desire for another person the way stories described. Why his stomach turned when his father talked of the marriage Adolin would have one day. 

Oh, but that wasn’t the real question either, was it? What Adolin really wanted to know, more than anything, was why the Almighty had cursed him with a cold heart. Why, unless he submitted himself to a relationship he didn’t want, he would grow old alone, like Jasnah and-

_Jasnah…_

Storms, could it be? Could she have been… like _him_? It seemed entirely possible! Hadn’t she dressed in beautiful clothes for no one but herself? Hadn’t she turned down proposals from desirable suitors? Hadn’t she been happy alone?

Jasnah could have been _just_ like him.

Jasnah could have felt just as lost, and confused, and as broken as Adolin. She could have had just as many sleepless nights. If she had, then she must have battled against the same self-hatred he felt, and she must have won. What had stopped her feeling guilty? Maybe she had felt that way until the end, and her confidence had only been an act. Adolin would never know now.

Adolin pulled his knees up to his chest, and let himself weep. Not for his failings, not even for the loss of his cousin, but for what could have been. For the discussions of solitude, for the mocking of lovers, for the sense of camaraderie. 

Jasnah could have been like him, and he would never know for sure.


End file.
